I remember the days where I would measure the success of my day by how much I got done. Was I productive ? How many Statement necklaces did I make today? I measured my productiveness and whether the day was a “good” day when I felt accomplished. Obviously when Aletheia was born, you could have guessed how “productive” I felt.
From the minute I woke up, my eyes would dart at the clock every 5 to 10 minutes. Most people couldn’t tell, but I was almost constantly under pressure (that I had put on myself) and was so stressed out by evening time that I literally felt anxiety shoot up my neck.
No matter how quickly I changed diapers, tried to put her to sleep, nursed and did the housework, it just never seemed fast enough. I could not find time to do enough of the things that I had measured myself against. I felt inadequate and lousy and would think, there goes another “unproductive” day because I did not get any work for Hadasity done.
It took me almost a year or more to get over My first baby Hadasity and to appreciate my new main role as a mom and I embraced it fully. This time and season, productiveness meant all the household chores done, the meals I would whip up and how clean and neat my house could be… I was still a slave to “DOING”, just with a different task master.
I remember the day when the very same pastor that gave us the word that “Gods not done with you in Singapore”, he told me that God was healing me of anxiety. The kind of anxiety that would creep up my neck and make me all tensed up. I would get so stressed and so mad at Aletheia you guys, I would just lose it. On a daily, I was rubbing young living’s “stress away” oil and “tranquil” roll ons to help calm my nerves down. God was always there still working with me and most of the time I was okay but there would be moments where mamas, I would just “LOSE IT” and I think some of you might know what I’m talking about. The daily tension in my body felt like PTSD. The same feeling I got when I had a car accident and driving became scary.
When we moved back to Singapore and I had help, it took me awhile to realize that I had measured my worth as a mother and wife on the housework and cooking and cleaning. Suddenly there was someone else doing all these…. did my children and husband still love me? Who am I now? That’s crazy! These thoughts actually filled me and I never thought that I had placed so much of my identity in them till God reminded me one day as I was dwelling on these things again that the same way Mark loved me BEFORE I ever knew how to cook, BEFORE I ever was as responsible as I had become about taking care of things. He loved me when I was a wreck, when he had to carry me out of bed because I just couldn’t get out of bed, when my life was controlled by my emotions and addictions. He loved me anyways! He doesn’t love me because I take care of the house and the food and the children and I get things done, he loves me not cause of my “doing” but for me “being”.
At the same time, I heard him remind me in these thoughts (not audible voice or exact words because it came as a “knowing” in my heart, a revelation), that the same way Mark loved me before I was any “good”, God loves me not for anything I DO for him or can ever do. He loved me and Jesus died for me and they (Father Son and Holy Spirit) have been chasing my heart down way before I knew any better. He loved me when I was a wreck, and anything I do for him now doesn’t make him love me more because it was never the requirement for his love and grace for me to begin with. WOW. Crazy Love.
So, what now?
What now that I no longer have to measure my self worth based on how much work I get done, how much I am doing for my family or how much I am doing for God?
BE … IN His PRESENCE,
There is FULLNess of JOY.
“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you.
I do not give as the world gives. “
And then the phrase that I’ve heard in many sermons comes to my mind, and I think it’s Joseph Prince, and it goes…
“My friends, God created us to be Human BE-ings, not human DO-ings” 🙏🏻❤️
PS# I still get stuff done and may be sometimes on days when I’m in his presence, wayyy more “productive ” in all areas of my life but it no longer measured my worth and God has healed me of anxiety. I realized that I haven’t used those oils for almost 8 months and I forgot all about them!