Today was my birthday.
I woke up without the usual heaviness this time of the year. No lies that said I didn’t matter, no checks on Facebook to see how many wishes I got, no wondering if I would get any surprises, cakes or presents and who would remember.
Nothing of that, AT ALL 😱.
I look back at how my birthday was always such a disappointment and how I had huge expectations of everyone – and I realized I used think, “ this was the day”.
“This was the day” that if I meant anything to anyone, this was the day they would show it, say it, gift it. Suddenly, “This was the day” and somehow all the other days in the year didn’t count.
“This was the day” was the second biggest lie that I had bought into about “birthdays”.
But the biggest lie of all was that I only mattered if those around me showed me that I did.
And I know that God did it again.
Slowly but surely, he has been healing me and replacing lies with the truth – a little more each day and year. He SOZOS me.
Today I woke up FREE, truly free from those lies.
I’ve always known and seen those lies coming for the past few years but I couldn’t get free from the heaviness- that sinking feeling in the heart. I would mentally come against them with what I knew to be the truth, but somehow I was still trapped without that truth known in my heart. Head knowledge over heart knowledge and I was not free, till today.
I know this because all I could think of today was the fact that I was still alive. I have been given breath for another day and another year. That I’m healthy, and alive. That I have 2 beautiful daughters and a loving husband. That I have family, and so many amazing people that I have done life with and do life with.
I know this because this was a beautiful day, start to finish.
I woke up just thanking God for my life.
What a journey,
And the number is 34.
But I think,
Thank you God
for blessing me
Above and beyond
All I could think of
Or ask for.
Even as I write these words prayerfully thinking if I should share it as a post, I hesitate for these reasons: I know that this might be read and taken wrongly in that it comes across as me needing to be affirmed that my birthday matters and that I matter.
The beauty of what I discovered today was this; Yes of course it would be nice and I do appreciate it – but my worth and confidence does not feed on that, anymore.
How I have been set free from needing the approval of men and having only felt that what I said or did mattered only if someone else thought so?
Knowing and following that promoting inside of me- to know if I am pleasing God or following the Holy Spirit has taken over the need to get validation from people.
That has been the greatest breakthrough for me, of all! Something I’ve been struggling with my Whole life! God you rescued me! (Of course as a disclaimer: I am pretty sure I will still have this issue to battle now and then but it isn’t a stronghold in my life anymore, and that’s why I’m praising and rejoicing!)
I share this because of I were to put a label to this struggle I faced every year on my birthday, it would probably be called “birthday depression”. And I believe if we were all honest, we have all been through depression. Some for a day, some for a season, some for years, some have for the bulk of their lives.
The root causes could be different, but one thing they have in common are these: THEY ARE LIES.
Friends, I don’t know what you’ve been struggling with. I don’t know if you, (like me), have had birthday depression…. or any other kind of depression. I do know the one who can take away your depression as you come into a relationship with him and talk to him.
If you’ve never done this before, would you try coming to God with your depression asking, God I struggle with this. Would you show me the root cause? Is there a LIE that I’m believing in, and what is the truth?
And perhaps like myself, maybe it wouldn’t happen overnight. Maybe it would take months or even years to slowly uncover those lies… but slowly and surely, you will know the truth.
And the truth will set you free.