Honestly, I am Insecure.

Last night I had a flashback and recalled how in primary school I was so insecure and had written in my journals that I had no one to go to recess with me… and every-time it was Recess time I felt so insecure. We had gone away and come back from Israel and having to find friends again when everyone had already formed their alliances seemed hard in a 9 year old way.

It was not until I met this girl who became my best friend. She was so sociable and fun and knew everyone that I got introduced to More cool kids, church with lots of boys etc. And I felt included, accepted, part of a clique. I especially felt more included or popular when I had a boyfriend and at 12, everyone would be asking you about it…

I remember feeling so happy when there was a poll to vote for the prettiest girl in MGS and my name was there. Things like how many boys liked you, how you looked, how many friends you had around you became very important, and that girl who was so into rules and following the guidelines and wanting to obey – became someone sort of rebellious, because rebellion looked cool.

I remember a classmate making fun of me saying I’m a goody two shoes because I told her she can’t wear perfume in class – it was what the teacher said and I felt so strongly that we had to follow it in my heart.

I learnt that rule abiders weren’t going to be part of the cool group….and I guess this was really the start of my teenage years and the downward spiral of my identity in how many boys liked me, how many cool friends I had, and how I looked….and I know I’m not the only one.

I don’t know what it would have looked like if I knew and really knew God at that time. If I knew my identity was as a daughter of God, that I was included and loved, would I still have gone through this? That instead of waiting to be reached out to, I befriended the ones that weren’t cool or popular – The left out in class. What would it have looked like to make being compassionate and helpful look so cool that everyone wanted in on it ?

What would it look like today?

Even in higher education, workplaces, sometimes even in church … unfortunately some groups of people make others feel left out. Unfortunately some people encourage others to gossip, backstab, complain. Unfortunately it seems like playing politics sometimes looks “cool” and if you don’t get on into it you would be left out and be a “loser” that just follows the rules but you will get no where being a good guy.

I wonder what it would look like – if just a few people would come together, decide that they would look like love, whether that would “fit in” or not. That they would remind each other that there is one person madly in love with them and that made them the most wanted and popular.

What would that look like?

I’m afraid to share this because it is so embarrassing but at the same time, i have a strong prompting to because I know that so many of us have gone through this/ going through this before.

Praying my vulnerability blesses you today. ❤️🙏🏻

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